For couples
When your relationship is stuck in patterns — and couples therapy isn't working (or touching the system itself).
You might be here if:
You're both "doing the work" individually, but the relationship still feels stuck or dying
You’ve tried couples therapy and learned to communicate better, but the underlying dynamic hasn’t shifted
You have the same fight in different packaging over and over
Something in the dynamic feels dead or dying, but neither of you can name it precisely
You're functional, maybe even successful externally, but intimacy feels like performance or obligation
One or both of you is constantly accommodating, managing, or walking on eggshells
You can feel invisible patterns running the show, but you can't see them clearly enough to change them
The relationship works on paper but doesn't feel alive or like it’s growing
You're questioning whether to stay or go, but you can't see the situation clearly enough to decide
You suspect the problem isn't either of you individually, it's the dynamic between you
What I’m not
I'm not a couples therapist.
I'm not a counsellor with frameworks for conflict resolution or intimacy exercises.
I'm not here to help you "work on" the relationship or save it.
I'm not mediating between two individuals, I'm perceiving the relationship itself.
What I actually do
I treat the relationship as my client, not the two of you as individuals.
Most couples therapy focuses on helping two people relate better to each other. I perceive the relationship itself as an organism, a living system with its own patterns, defence mechanisms, hidden agreements, and evolutionary trajectory.
I'm not asking "how can you two communicate better?" I'm asking: "What is this RELATIONSHIP doing? What's it protecting? What's dead in it? What's trying to emerge? Can it evolve, or has it reached its endpoint?"
Examples:
You say the issue is that one person withdraws and the other pursues. I'll show you what the RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM is protecting through that dynamic: what intimacy, truth, or change it's avoiding by keeping you both locked in those roles.
You think the problem is sex, money, parenting styles, or in-laws. I'll show you those are symptoms of a deeper systemic pattern, often an invisible agreement you both made years ago that no longer serves either of you but hasn't been consciously renegotiated.
You believe you're incompatible. I'll show you whether that's true incompatibility or whether you're both relating from outdated identity structures that are clashing, and whether those structures can be redesigned or if the relationship has genuinely reached its natural conclusion.
I articulate what's dead or dying in the dynamic with precision.
Sometimes the relationship is salvageable and wants to evolve. Sometimes it's already over, but neither of you can see it clearly enough to act. Sometimes it needs to die in its current form entirely before something new can be built. Sometimes you're business partners raising kids, not intimate partners building a life together.
I'll tell you which one you're in, not to be cruel, but because clarity is kinder than false hope or prolonged denial.
Examples:
"The partnership still functions for logistics and parenting, but the erotic and emotional connection is dead. It died approximately two years ago when [specific pattern]. Here's what killed it, here's whether it can be resurrected, and here's what that resurrection would actually require from both of you."
"You're locked in a parent-child dynamic where one of you holds all the responsibility and the other remains perpetually adolescent. This isn't a communication problem, it's a structural problem in how the relationship is architected. It can be redesigned, but both roles have to die first."
"The relationship itself is fine. You're both trying to relate from wounded identity structures that have nothing to do with each other. Individual work would serve you more than couples work right now."
How we work together
Couples Dynamic Assessment (90 minutes | $850 + GST)
I work with the relationship itself as a living system—not two individuals trying to relate better, but the dynamic between you as its own organism.
This session reveals:
The invisible patterns governing your dynamic (what you can't see from inside it)
What's dead, what's dying, and what wants to emerge
Whether the relationship can evolve or needs to consciously conclude
The precise structural shifts required for transformation (if it's possible)
A map for conscious redesign—or conscious completion
You'll leave knowing exactly where the relationship actually is, not where you hope it is.
Ongoing Relational Transformation:
Most couples move into ongoing work after the initial assessment, because relational systems don't shift from one conversation—they require sustained architectural redesign and pattern interruption over time.
Monthly retainer: $1,800 + GST
2 x 60-minute sessions per month
Pattern tracking as you implement structural changes
Real-time support as old dynamics attempt to reassert
Evolutionary checkpoints to assess whether new patterns are establishing
This isn't couples therapy. It's relational systems work. We're redesigning the architecture of how you relate, not teaching you to communicate better within a broken system.
This is for you if:
You value clarity and honesty over hope and reassurance
You’re both willing to hear uncomfortable truths about the relationship, not just about each other
You can tolerate the possibility that the relationship might need to end (or transform beyond recognition)
You're not looking for someone to save the relationship—you're looking for truth about what's actually happening
You're willing to let the old dynamic die completely, even if it's painful or disorienting
You can handle intensity and don't need to be handled gently through discomfort
You're both willing to examine your own operating systems, not just blame the other person
You want to know if the relationship can evolve—and what that evolution actually requires
This isn't for you if:
One of you is here to prove the other wrong or get validation that you're the "good" partner
You want reassurance that everything will be fine if you just try harder
You're not willing to examine your own role in creating or maintaining the stuck pattern
You need someone to take sides or mediate disputes
You're looking for communication techniques without examining the system generating the communication breakdown
You can't tolerate the possibility of hearing that the relationship is over
You want to stay together at any cost, regardless of whether the dynamic is actually alive or dead
What actually changes:
If the relationship can evolve:
You see the hidden dynamics clearly for the first time, what's been running the show underneath the surface story
Patterns that felt inevitable become visible and optional
You stop having the same fight in different costumes
Intimacy becomes possible again because the defensive patterns dissolve
You're relating from conscious choice and authentic desire, not obligation, fear, or inertia
The relationship becomes something you're actively building together, not something happening to you
If the relationship needs to end:
You have clarity instead of confusion about why it's not working
You can separate with understanding and dignity instead of bitterness and blame
You understand the systemic patterns that contributed to the ending, so you don't repeat them
You're freed from the exhausting loop of "should we stay or should we go"
You can grieve what was and move forward without remaining entangled
Either way:
You stop being run by unconscious relational patterns
You understand what happened at a systemic level, not just an emotional one
You know the truth of where you are, which allows for actual decision-making
You've gained relational intelligence that serves you in every relationship going forward